Louis C.K..

I’ve Had Two Great Years, Probably Five Good Years. so I Had 20 Years of Just Kind of Uncertainty and Suffering and Ego Destruction and Poverty. All These Things. There’s No Way I’m Ever Going to Catch up to the Misery Years. It’s Impossible…. If I Don’t Do Anything Dumb or I Don’t Get a Disease or Something, and Then I’ve Got to Five to Eight Years I Think Where It’ll Really Be Great and Then It Will Start to Degenerate Like Uranium, You Know?

Human Kindness Has No Reward. You Should Give to Others in Every Way You See. You Should Expect Absolutely Nothing from Anyone. It Should Be Your Goal to Love Every Human You Encounter. All Human Suffering That You’re Aware of and Continues Without Your Effort to Stop It Becomes Your Crime. Humans Are Always Evolving. If You Do One Thing That If Done by Every Human Would Destroy the World, That Makes You Hitler… I Don’t Live by Any of Those. but I Believe Them All Very Strongly.

Life’s Too Short to Be an Asshole, as an Employer or as an Employee.

Coming Here and Observing America as an Outsider Made Me an Observing Person. I Grew up in Boston and Didn’t Get the Accent, and One of the Reasons Is That I Started in Spanish. I Was a Little Kid, so All I Had to Do Was Completely Reject My Spanish and My Mexican Past, Which Is a Whole Lot Easier Because I’m White with Red Hair. I Had the Help of a Whole Nation of People Just Accepting That I’m White.

Race Doesn’t Mean What It Used to in America Anymore. It Just Doesn’t. Obama’s Black, but He’s Not Black the Way People Used to Define That. Is Black Your Experience or the Color of Your Skin? My Experience Is as a Mexican Immigrant, More so Than Someone Like George Lopez. He’s from California. but He’ll Be Treated as an Immigrant. I Am an Outsider. My Abuelita, My Grandmother, Didn’t Speak English. My Whole Family on My Dad’s Side Is in Mexico. I Won’t Ever Be Called That or Treated That Way, but It Was My Experience.

You Know What These Parents Say? Damn Right I Hit My Kids! I Hit My Kids… to Teach ‘Em What Life’s Really Like… Out in the World… Well, I Don’t Know, Asshole, but Have You Tried Maybe Talking to Them?

They Say All Our Kids Ever Do Is Play Computer Games and I Say Maybe That’s Because You Bought Them a ******* Computer Game!

Saying a Subject Is Too Awful to Joke About Is Like Saying a Disease Is to Awful to Be Treated.

Mark Twain Said If You Always Tell the Truth, You Don’t Have to Remember What You Said. Which Is Great. but Mark Twain Also Said There Once Was a Big Black Guy Called Nigger Jim!

You Need to Know You’re Boring Once in a While. Self-love Is a Good Thing but Self-awareness Is Important, Too. You Need to Once in a While Say Oh, I’m an Asshole, Otherwise You’re a Psychopath. You Know, When You Go to Someone You’re Being an Asshole and They Say No, I’m Not, Well It’s Not up to You!

And All That Shouting at Your Kids? What Are You, an Idiot? No, You’re the Idiot.

Rape Is Not in the Ten Commandments, but Don’t Say the Guy’s Name with a Shitty Attitude…

Yeah, Said the Doctor. She’s Probably Got a Lot of Tumours in Her Head! I Loved the Way That Absolutely None of His Training Went into That. He Said Her Head!

If You’re Over 40, by the Way, the Doctors Give up on You. at 20 They Would Have Fashioned a New Ankle Out of Acacia Wood, but for Me It Was Yeah, Your Ankle’s Worn Out! Is There Anything I Can Do? Well There Are Stretches.. Will That Fix It? No, You Just Do That Now! You Do That Until You and Your Shitty Ankle Goes Away.

The World Is Made up of People Who Didn’t Kill Themselves Today.

Wrong Story! Nobody Dipped Jesus in the River Styx. Too Bad, He Might Have Made It into His Fifties…

Love Plus Time Minus Distance Equals Hate.